the bearded snail

New breeds

2010-04-08T21:39:00.000-07:00

A beautiful morning for it

2010-04-08T21:38:00.000-07:00

Fancy eyebrows

2010-04-08T21:36:00.000-07:00

2010-04-07T02:33:00.000-07:00

2010-04-07T01:57:00.000-07:00

hot to frog

2010-02-08T23:38:00.001-08:00

2010-02-08T23:14:00.000-08:00

Salivation Stories

2010-02-08T22:30:00.000-08:00

In my opinion, the only stories worth knowing or telling the grand kids.

2010-01-03T01:48:00.000-08:00

I feel for you

2009-12-28T07:09:00.000-08:00

2009-12-28T06:12:00.001-08:00

A three point plan to success.

2009-12-28T05:41:00.000-08:00

This is you.

This is your mum.

Yo Aunt, Brenda

tina the venus fly trap.

2009-11-24T19:25:00.000-08:00

Bought a venus fly trap. Put it in my cave. I didn't realse she'd actually eat all my friends. Bitch. I'm probably going to strangle her, head by head while she sleeps. Could take a while, I can't even count how many hungry heads she has, and if one makes any noise while I strangle it, it will probably wake up the other heads then they'll take me down. More planning is required.

I hate being the only snail with a beard

2009-10-22T05:11:00.000-07:00

I just wish it wasn't always; "hey dude, what's that hanging from your face?" or, "Yuck! what the hell is that? Are you contagious?" *sigh* Maybe god's just jealous.

When inanimate objects gain consciousness

2009-10-21T05:45:00.000-07:00

...Bad things happen.

iWorship

2009-10-21T05:12:00.000-07:00

2009-10-21T04:07:00.000-07:00

Take a picture or a Viagra pill, it'll last longer.

Look who I found creeping around my beautiful niece, Valentina this afternoon.

And you know what he had to say when I held him up by his collar? "Dude, she's hot!"
"Yeah, so is my branding iron, you're mine buddy!" I shouted as I ran away.

dw, lol

2009-10-20T00:49:00.000-07:00

i look sxc 4 the grrls

It's hard to be gr8

2009-10-20T00:03:00.000-07:00

Especially when it's effortless. Sometimes I wake up and look out of my cave, at the crashing waves and the local fishermen battling each other with their angry nipples, and I think, "Oh my, why can't I have a normal-person-bad-day for once? I'm sick of my slaves bringing me everything and feeding me with the aeroplane spoon. All I want to do is play catch really badly with the other man-snail children."

Queen Latiffa's Sweaty Ankles Are What Keep Me Up At Night...

2009-10-19T23:56:00.000-07:00

Say no to sluts who use metaphors about "beauty" when describing their leadership skillz.
Say no to them, and sea creatures who speak any language other than English.

It's true. Queen Latiffa's manly man ankles are the reason I can't eat, can't sleep and can't ride my unicycle. The image of their sweat glistening in the hot midday sun is burnt into my retinas. It's so wrong, yet so, so right.

OMG

2009-10-19T23:49:00.000-07:00

This is a photo of my uncle Sheridan. He's pretty, but not when he pulls this unladylike face. Haha! What a tosser.

2009-10-19T07:55:00.000-07:00

This ones for the ladyz

2009-10-19T07:29:00.000-07:00

2009-10-19T07:06:00.001-07:00

This is what happens when I go out. Assholes come up to me and poke me in the goddamn eye! I hate humans sometimes.

That experience is never as bad as when I feel like wearing my beard-bow out on a pretty spring day, and other male-snails think I'm a pretty lady-snail. Here is what that looks like:

Some cave drawings

2009-10-19T06:49:00.001-07:00

I found this ugly depiction of myself in my cave. One of the local village children must have done it whilst I was at bingo Tuesday. Damn kids.

I did however like the instructional depictions of sit-ups and squats I found...

Snail-tale

2009-10-19T04:58:00.000-07:00

Well hello devoted, rabid and crazy fans. I am finally using some of my precious time to keep a blog, so you can all stay up-to-date with my happenings and amazing interesting life as a bearded snail. Some of you may think this is a means of tracking the bearded snail down and capturing him to utilize some of his powers... Well to any of you who thought this, I have news for you; you will never find my hidden cave or capture me. Even if you could do both these things, you would never have the intelligence or technology to utilize my powers for your own use. So just enjoy my blog and if you can find them, my hidden messages sprawled across the internet and city side streets.